47.5 Jokes Read online



  Forty Seven Point Five Jokes

  ****

 

  The reason you got this book was because you read the title and said to yourself “I need to laugh”. Yes you will laugh; I have compiled everything that can make you laugh (except tickling) and written it in a single book which will be updated frequently like every month, if and only if this one does well. Because the jokes are all mine, it is mine.

  One liner jokes

  What do prisoners use in prison to call?

  They use cell phones.

  What does superman eat cereal from?

  The super bowl.

  How do you call an ill eagle?

  Illegal

  This is basically the end of all my one liner jokes, maybe.

  Real actual jokes.

  What do you call someone at ease?

  An artist.

  What did the cop say to the waiter at the bar?

  “What is your bar code?”

  What do you call a universal dating site?

  “The international dateline”.

  Sorry, my one liner jokes are not as plentiful as the others, read on to be better served.

  Your mama jokes.

  Your mama so fat that she is fat.

  Your mama so ugly that she scared darkness away.

  Your mama so fat she was repatriated and remained in the same place.

  Your mama so fat that when God said let there be light, he told her to move out of the

  way.

  Your mama so fat she is in every time zone.

  Your mama so poor she cannot afford to pay attention.

  Your mama so ugly, when she went swimming, it became the Dead Sea.

  You mama so ugly, when she swam in the sea all the fishes died and made the red sea.

  Your mama so stupid, she cooks with old spice.

  your mama so fat that she stopped one direction from going any direction.

  Your mama so fat that her social security number is her weight.

  Your mama so old that her social security number is 1

  Your mama so fat that Dora can’t explore her.

  Your mama so old that time travelled back to catch up with her.

  Discussion or conversation jokes

  911 agents: 911 what's your emergency.

  Man: please what is the number for 911?

  911: sir, are you being serious.

  Man: do I sound like I’m joking.

  911: it’s 911

  Man: I don't need the name of your company, I need the phone number.

  911: it is 911.

  Man: lady, I know the name of your company is 911; I need to know your phone number.

  911: sir I advise you see a doctor.

  Man: what is the number for an emergency doctor?

  911: it is 911.

  Man: lady stops self-advertising your company.

  He hangs up.

  Man: so my wife, you were cheating behind my back.

  Woman: it would not be called cheating if I did it in front of you.

  Man: but I love you

  Woman: I heard that already.

  Pickup lines that do not work.(answers girls should give for them).

  Boy: hey girl is you from Tennessee because you are the only ten I see.

  Girl: do your math.

  Boy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

  Girl: then do it.

  Boy: girl, can I have your number because I lost mine.

  Girl: 911.

  Boy: girl, I need a map because I’m lost in your eyes.

  Girl: find your way out.

  Boy: did you fall from heaven.

  Girl: that would make me a demon not an angel.

  Boy: girl, is you made by bin laden because you are the bomb.

  Girl: seriously?

  Boy: are you from mars, because you look like an alien.

  Girl: how is that supposed to make me like you?

  Boy: did anyone tell you are beautiful?

  Girl: 12 times today already.

  Boy: are you Anna in frozen, because I have to let it go.

  Girl: that does not even make sense.

  List of things never to do.

  Never ask a cop for his name, it is on his badge.

  Never take candy from a baby, he will cry.

  Never not judge a book by its cover, the cover tells a lot about the book.

  Never ask someone whether the person is lying, he won't tell you if he was lying.

  Never ask “what is life” the last person who asked is dead.

  Discussion again

  Man: 911 my daughter is dying

  911: what do you mean she is dying?

  Man: she is bleeding red blood

  911: ok sir calm down

  Man: tell me something I don't know.

  911: so, what happened?

  Man: my daughter started to bleed from her vagina and I fear she is sick of cancer because it wasn't always like this.

  911: it’s not cancer, its called menstruation.

  Man: menstruation, so my daughter is sick of menstruation, please helps me.

  911: it's natural

  Man: I know death is natural

  Man: what are her treatment options, how long does she have to live?

  911: she is not going to die I promise you

  Man: but could she get chemotherapy

  911: Sir I don't mean to call you an idiot but you're an idiot.

  Stupid questions people ask, obvious things which I do hate.(answers)

  Man: how are you?

  Patient: if I was ok would I be in the hospital?

  Man: do you work here.

  Worker: of course, I have a uniform and a badge with my name saying cashier.

  Man: I heard your mom died, is it true.

  Another man: why would I lie about something like that?

  Man: it freezing out here.

  Another man: everyone knows its freezing out here, stop stating the obvious.

  Villain: I am going to kill you.

  Good guy: we could go on and on but you know even if you shoot me, I will not die because I am the good guy.

  Assistant villain: sir, superman has saved the day.

  Villain: I watch the news, ok

  News man: breaking news, Justin Bieber slaps his girlfriend.

  Man: people die of Ebola daily and Justin Bieber is important.

  Man: today is Monday

  Other man: I have a calendar, ok.

  Man: how are you?

  Other man: I always say fine.

  Stupid phone calls and texts.

  Man: honey, I got shot and I am bleeding.

  Wife: are you dead?

  Man: if I were dead how will I call you?

  Money lol

  Girl: hi lol

  Man: why are you lol?

  Girl: lol

  Man: wyd ystrdy

  Girl: lol

  Man: you are an idiot.

  Kidnapper: I have your wife in custody and I am going to kill her.

  Man: good luck with that, don't you think I have tried?

  Customer service: Walmart customer service, how may I help you?

  Man: is this Walmart customer service.

  Customer service: yes it is.

  Man: so I need your help.

  CS: how may I help you?

  Man: I bought a car from apple.com and they do not accept returns, so what do I do.

  CS: are you kidding me.

  Man: no.

  CS: I am going to hang up.

  911: hello sir

  Man: who are you and why do you have your number as 911.

  911: I have a crush on you

  Man: this is not cool.

  Did you know?

  Did
you know that you are more likely to survive 467 plane crashes than click a banner ad?

  Did you know Santa Claus does not actually eat the cookies you keep for him?

  Did you know the tooth fairy actually had no tooth and is looking for the perfect tooth.

  Did you know America has 2 million prisoners?

  Did you know that San Pedro Sula is the most violent city in the world, tourist do not even search it online.170 out of every 100000 people die of homicide.

  Did you know fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?

  Did you know Michael Jackson was not Caucasian, he was in fact African.

  Did you know that all these above things you already know?

  Did you know the white house is actually not white?

  Movie analysis.

  Movie cliché: father figure dies at a young age, he wants to be a hero, falls in love, saves the world, rushed training, great power comes great responsibility.

  Movies using this cliché are. Spiderman, superman, green lantern, captain America guardians of the galaxy.

  Did you know (movies?)

  Did you know there is not actual hunger in the hunger games?

  Did you know divergent is a rip off of the hunger games.

  Did you know there is not actual revenge in the avengers?

  Did you know “how to train your dragons” has nothing to do with training dragons, instead killing them?

  Did you know avatar the last air bender never learned how to bend air?

  Did you know all the Spiderman trilogy is about the same thing?

  That is peter parker falls in love with Mary Jane, fights with harry, kills someone he knows and they break up.

  Did you know the matrix has nothing to do with math?

  Did you know Cinderella wears size 2?

  Did you know there is not actual kissing in frozen?

  Did you know that jack and rose in titanic would have entered one of the boats.

  Did you know that Neil Armstrong cannot do the moonwalk, only Michael Jackson can.

  Tips on how to be funny.

  Never say knock knock jokes, they are idiotic and do not cause laughter.

  Look at your audience before you speak, the right audience will laugh at anything you say.

  In order to say you mama jokes,

  1.Look around you.

  2.Think of whether the joke needs to be about size, beauty, poverty.

  3.For size, think of anything which is big and anonymous like house.

  4.If you cannot think of it, look around you for something that does not make sense or is somewhat big.

  5.Right now I am using a computer and to make a mama joke out of it I would say.

  “Your mama so fat she is in more places than the internet.

  “Your mama so fat all signal to earth hit on her”

  “Your mamas so stupid she thought cookies in the computer are actual cookies.

  “Your mama so fat she spies on the CIA.”

  These may not be the best but you get the point, just think of anything around you, then make it into a your mama joke.

  Right now I am looking at a keyboard,

  “Your mama so fat that she sat on a keyboard and it made a calculator”

  I am now looking at the oven,

  “your mama so stupid she thinks being hot means coming from the oven.

  The list goes on and on and on.

  The next issue will have a complete experience of how to be funny.

 

  Thank you guys for taking time in your life to read this my book, it may not look like the best but it is just the beginning, it will be updated monthly with a new volume, format may change but the jokes will be better.

  This is the point where I try to convince you to follow me on Facebook and twitter.

  Dear reader of this piece of stupidity, I would like you to click on the link below to follow me, the more followers I have, the more sure a new value will be, subscribe to my YouTube channel for the latest jokes and try following me on vine.

  The links below will take you there. Please it would make me very happy if you would do so, I beg of thee, please.

  https://authordanieln.blogspot.com/

  https://www.facebook.com/pages/DanielN/1532716483639717?ref=hl

  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1FbP1hSTrEll_PV_z9kuUA/videos

  If you ever need a friend on Facebook or want to be my friend on Facebook, I do not mind and will accept any and all friend request and messages.

  I would also like to say that if you liked this book, share it, review it so that more people would like it, if you do not like it, and share it so more people will not care about it.

  If you believe you have jokes which need to be here, contact me on my Facebook above.

  So you have seen some mistakes in the book, I saw them too, but they are there to make it look funny.do not comment on the grammar, I have eyes like you do.

  “This is not the end, it is only the beginning spelled backwards” by Daniel